I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
