walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
