Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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