i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
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