I'm really into asian looking animals
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
