I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
