Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
