She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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