stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
