i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
