Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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