Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
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