Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
