You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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