i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
The uberlube is also flammable
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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