That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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