So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
