Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
