Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
