those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Drunk is a universal language darling
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
