So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
You're like the curious george of whores
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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