finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Randomize
