Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
