wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
