i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
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