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I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
