FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
