My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
