Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
