Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
