you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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