living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
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