Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
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Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
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I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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