I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
foreskin is a definite game changer
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
