so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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