I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
