It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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