Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
