Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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