someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
