Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
