Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
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