Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
