I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
