Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
