Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
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