see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
