i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
