everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
