I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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