The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
