i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
You took a bar mat shot.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
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