One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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