I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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