I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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