Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
