Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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