So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
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Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
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She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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