And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
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she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
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Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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