Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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